December 29, 2013

  • Late 80s Cartoons, You Will Not Be Missed

    I started this on Facebook, but it was too bloggy. It's not a rule, but FB seems designed for brevity and pithiness. I am often neither.

    MrT

    It's probably for the best, alligator. You'd only choke on his bling.

    15 Caroons From The 80's You Probably Forgot Existed

    My memory of late 80s television cartoons pretty much is in synch with this list: a mostly crappy bunch of toy tie-in concepts floated up by some branding/merchandising focus groups and paraded in front of what they thought would be an eager and compliant young demographic. As is evident by most of them only running for 3 months in the fall (check out the dates), the majority of them did not find a home in viewers' hearts no matter how toy-ready they were. Alas, the sources of this parade of animated dookie could, by their very nature, keep squirting out terrible idea after terrible idea with very little effort or money in the hopes that the next concept would be a He-Man-style win.

    Most of the cartoons up to the mid-80s that I had been raised on had their origins in the Silver Screen years (Loony Tunes, Disney shorts), were successful copies of familiar 60s sit-com tropes (Flintstones, Jetsons), or were simply successful in their own right (Rocky and Bullwinkle). Some were based on already-popular things (Superfriends, Spider-Man). Some like Scooby-Doo and Johnny Quest were indeed specifically conceptualized and marketed like any other television show for a demographic and timeslot. Hanna-Barbera's stuff in particular was a juggernaut of this, but I'll take several Hong Kong Phooeys or Dynomutts over Cabbage Patch anything. Maybe there were some things that were licensed with their image and sold after their popularity was established (if I ever write an autobiography, the chapter of my life in the late-70s/early-80s should probably be called "Vitamins, Cereal, and Lunch Boxes" after my 3 favorite things; clearly my life is too boring to write an autobiography about). But they had proven themselves on the cutthroat battleground of Saturday Morning Television.

    That trend continued for a while in the 80s -- Smurfs, Disney and Bugs Bunny (viciously sanitized and repackaged for this new and tender time: no more drag Bugs or racist Asian tropes, please!), Muppet Babies, hell, even Pac-Man was just cashing in on pop culture. G.I. Joe was an old, long-standing toy that had faded in popularity (they were basically dolls, for whom the term "action figure" was coined to make them seem less . . . well, doll-like), and with a little tinkering - an ensemble cast, a memorable and contemporary rogues gallery, and a new post-Star-Wars style of action figures rather than the Barbie-like dolls of yore (see also: cartoon Barbie), something was created that was fondly-enough remembered to have been made into a movie with Channing Tatum. In the last 5 years.

    And then came the He-Man success, a "toy with a backstory" from 1981, debuting in syndication in 1983, and paving the way for years of terrible ideas to come. Followed quickly by Transformers, a new and rich unholy alliance between a venerable Japanese toy company and Hasbro, the idea of the "complete package" of cartoon/merchandising/toys was born, and hence many of the losers on the list below.

    A few exceptions and notes:

    * Mr. T lasted 3 years; I remember my sister enjoyed the cartoon, which was about one of the most over-the-top former wrestling personalities "turned" (heh) actor, accompanying a band of gymnasts, a dog, and a poseur around the world. Remarkable for the early branding of a personal image or style that would give us years of reality TV personas for years to come. Also: worth watching the title theme song for its Solid Gold credentials and Mr. T throwing an alligator several hundred yards.

    * The Potato Heads: Really, was there any more lovable and feelings-of-warmth-inducing toy than a potato that you could stick body parts and hats into? Answer: yes, many.

    * BraveStarr: With the power of the hawk, wolf, and puma, and a horse that could mansform into a biped. Wait, why would you not want that power too, which is arguably kind of more powerful and badass? Also, I'm pretty sure Getty Lee loaned his voice to this theme song. He discounted his rates because he clearly had a cold.

    * Legend of Zelda: Take a beloved video game hero, give him the personality of Bill Murray and rip off a catchphrase from Steve Martin. Results: Meh.

    *Ghostbusters: I actually remember the live-action original, and recall my 5 year old self thinking it was hilarious. I also recall that the 80s move with the aforementioned Bill Murray was loosely-inspired by the 70s show. And then we have a cartoon that tried to cash in on the name and created a cartoon of the 70s show, that aired around the time the cartoon based on the 80s movie was also being shown. Man, we must have really liked Ghostbusters.

    * Beverly Hills Teens: Everything -- EVERYTHING -- you hate about the 80s in contained in this theme song. It's perfect. Short enough you won't turn it off too quickly, but long enough to have the full 80s flavor hooks. It pretty much sums up everything as to why most of these cartoons were such a terrible idea. Also REALLY BIG HAIR.