November 19, 2004

• I Think I've Finally Gone Crazy.  Again.  I had this idea in the shower (where some of my best and worst thinking actually happens).
  
  I was thinking of creating a Muppet index website. I'm sure there already is one -- I haven't googled it yet.
  
  But I was thinking about Sesame Street, especially lots of the skits from when I was a kid in the 70's. How some of them were just so great, and viewed today, so . . . dated, yet incredibly retro-funky.
  
  Because, like, does anyone remember Roosevelt Franklin? He had a great song, actually. "Roosevelt Franklin/How old are you?"
  
  And I would like the site to have some tongue-in-cheek nostalgia, such as a semi-serious "Where Are They Now?" file. Or a "Behind The Music" spoof. Although it could get quite dark and too jaded in its humor. "Roosevelt Franklin, beloved Muppet appealing to the 3-to-7 year old minority demographic, and Todd Bridges, who played Willis on 'Diff'rent Strokes' were arrested yesterday on charges of blah blah blah." See, you could get really wicked.
  
  Is Prarie Dawn still around? She was the Mary-Ann of the Muppets, but y'know. Again, in the "shitting on the innocent" school of humor, after her scandalous spreads in Penthouse, she settled down to be a mother of twelve, is on the South Beach diet, and is writing a tell-all book exposing the lurid O'Reilly-esque advances that Mr. Hooper (aka "Looper") made towards her backstage. "He was just so obvious about it, we used to call him 'Ben,'" after the notorious Founding Father and septaugenarian ladies' man, Benjamin Franklin.
  
  Last time I tuned in, Street was ALL ABOUT THE ELMO. I can't stand Elmo. He was created, like much in the 80's (a la Masters of the Universe, She-Ra, Transformers) to market toys, or at least I think so. Seems like it. Everything seemed . . . dumbed down a bit. Some monsters used to drop verbs and pronouns, but they were, like, monsters. Elmo does it because he's young and "cute."
  
  But Elmo will never -- NEVER -- be as cute or as incredibly cool, in that totally uncool "square peg" kind of way, as Grover. Elmo knows he's cute. He throws it in our faces. Rubs all the other monsters' noses in it. He's like that Garfield character "Nermal, the world's cutest kitten," whom Garfield rightly wanted to friccassee. Grover, whilst occasionally proclaiming his inherent cuteness as a semi-deprecating afterthought ("...and I am cute, too!"), was never so relentlessly infantile as Elmo, who you just know is doing it so he doesn't have to grow up. Elmo killed Grover's career with a whisper campaign implying certain untoward behavior in a scandal known in some circles as "Cookiegate."
  
  Face it, Elmo will be the Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? of the Muppets. Or the Michael Jackson of the Muppets. He'll have sleepovers. His crib (literal) will become a "casting couch" for the earnest younglings who wanted to appear on the show. "Ooo! Ha ha ha! Tickle me there! Hee hee!"
  
  Elmo comes from the same, evil place as the Teletubbies, both speaking variants of the same language of coos and gurgles. They plan to take over the world.
  
  Have you seen the website, "Bert is Evil?" Actually, it looks like it's changed owners/formats a few times. But don't be fooled: Bert isn't evil. Bert's just a rube, a dupe. This was another campaign secretly funded by Elmo to de-popularize one half of the "Abbot & Costello," "Laurel & Hardy" -esque team of Bert & Ernie. Why do you think they've fallen so far out of favor? Just one more casualty of the rise to power of ELMO.
  
  I hate Elmo.
  
  *checks coffee* Oh, shit, someone switched my decaff to caff!!!!!
  
  *starts running back and forth from the monitor shouting "NEEEAAARRR!" *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* "FAARRR!" *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* "NEEEEAAAARRRR!!" *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* "FAAARR!" *
  
  *collides with monitor, passes out*

  • 3:06 pm
  • 4 Comments