November 12, 2004
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Fury. Most people who know me personally know that I am a fairly even-tempered guy. People at work seem to think so too, but I could swear I'm more irritable there than in my private life. I've only been sputteringly furious once or twice in my life. However, Wednesday set a new record.
I can't recall ever being that angry before. Once, after the Rosewood school newpaper decision (I was more righteous than angry, but I did get in the paper. Really.). But I was more personally angry when I caught an ex of mine reading through a letter I was writing to someone else. That was just a deep, personal betrayl. Don't fuck with the written word and my privacy, bitch.
The issue . . . is complicated. It just got moreso because of a moment of rational thought I just had about some timing that has tripped me up.
But anyway, the issue started with a 4 page litany of complaints from one of our customer managers. It's "his style" apparently to save it all up for one big boil-lancing. So I imagine that the list can get pretty exhaustive when he gets on a roll. In this litany, however, apparently I was cited as "coming across as arrogant" in my emails. In particular was one cited where I joked about being allowed to use the word "y'all" since I came from the South.
My jaw dropped at that one. Arrogant? How the hell can you construe this as arrogant! What made it more difficult was that the email was only sent to one user with whom -- I thought -- I had a decent working relationship. Actually, truth be told, he can get a bit skeevy. But nothing I can't handle, and nothing I'm going to cry "sexual harrassment" at, though perhaps I should have. But I thought our one-on-one business relationship was fine. But apparently, this email was forwarded on to his boss. I have no idea why, other than I think he's doing this with everything from our shop now to cover his own ass. But either way, either this guy is just not coming out and telling me something's wrong, which I can just about accept, or this whole other non-targeted audience is just jerking off in whatever direction he needs to to prove a point.
So, okay, forwarding stuff on to someone it wasn't written for? Fine, it's work. It's not personal. I don't care who he forwards it to, or anything I write at work to another user in a business capacity. But assuming a tone like that? Stupid. Bad. Should know better. And did he, like, have his sense of humor surgically removed, or was he just born without one?
So the reality is I doubt very much that this item was a paragon of his point, but rather that there are several other examples out there that he could cite. Which . . . baffles me. It's stunnigly ironic to me, too, because inside the privacy of my own little conflicted skull, I walk my own line between perpetual, eternal mortification at my own inadequacies, and a genuine, hard-earned, confidence in myself that needs polishing every once in a while. But never do I polish at the expense of others, the definition of arrogance. I can't say that I never did, because, hell, emotional maturity? Takes a while. I hope I excised the uglier bits of that at college and over the course of my twenties.
My boss didn't do well with this news with me, I'm afraid, and got the brunt of my incredulity. He earnestly attempted to sway me to the side of a newfound uber-professionalism and complete neutering, but . . . no. Not this time. That kind of complaint -- which I believe to be untrue -- levied against someone is poison. If you start to play that game, you've already lost. Yes, I could certianly make an effort to erase any trace of jocularity or personality from my behavior at work, but to do so would imply and accept that it has not been professional to date (which I also believe to be on the balance untrue), and since when were those things mutually exclusive to professionalism anyway?
The problem is that this guy could point to anything I've written and make a case for it. If he did it with a goddamn harmless even self-deprecating joke, he could try it with anything. And will.
So despite my boss' well-intentioned plea for "strictly professional communication" (rankle), I was still stunned that neither he nor his boss were as equally shocked at the complaint as I was (or at least partly as shocked, because, yeah). Maybe they were just overwhelmed at Four. Pages. of complaints. Or maybe they actually agree, in which case, again, tell me, if that's what you really think is true.
I was literally sputtering and almost incomprehensible at this point, as we walked up to the building (we were offsite for a bit, and this discussion was in the car on the way back) where we work. Some little scintilla of self-preservation kicked in, and I got ahold of myself. Almost literally. You hear the expression, it's almost a clichébut some little interior piece of me, some little, almost swamped over element of rational thought and control siezed control. I swear, I think my entire biological functioning had to reboot for a second to purge the extra serotonin and ardrenaline. I'd just about regained stability when my manager made the misfortunate observation, "You don't take criticism well."
Oooo, not good. Not at all. Very bad thing to say. Very, very bad thing to say just then. I cannot stress enough how bad a thing to say that was.
I literally whirled on him. Again, it's one of those clichés you hear, but a few things contributed to it's accuracy and literalness. One was that I was slightly in front of him walking back in stunned, forced silence. The other was that I was in my black long coat, which is meant for whirling. It spins out nice, almost cape-like, when it's not buttoned. Add to that a pointed index finger and a sharp retort on your lips, and you have, voila, the essence of whirling on someone.
"No, you will not put this back on me. I can take legitimate criticism. But this . . . ? Unless you feel this is legitimate criticism . . . ?"
Unfortunately, he didn't answer me. Also very bad, and very disappointing. I turned around without another word, thank heavens, and went inside. I didn't whirl that time. I'd had my whirl. Expended it. I may have stormed off, but did so too quietly to really call it that.
Okay, my tone is jocular now -- how unprofessional of me -- now, but I'm only doing that now so I don't trash the office. The anger is still right there, red-hot and smouldering. I'm practically vibrating from it as I write this. I managed to completely suppress it for the duration of my day, in that I didn't rip anybody's head off the rest of the day, but my boss wisely stayed away from me. Fortunately for him -- both of us really -- he was also out of the office today. But for the last two days, I've had this inner, muttering rant that sounds something like "mumble mumble ARROGANT?? grumble bastard mumble mumble ARROGANT??!? mumble mumble mumble" etc. with "arrogant" being said in about fifty different inflections.
I can feel the lines being drawn in the sand, though. They won't like where I end up.
Comments (5)
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
I feel your pain - was that FOUR PAGES of complaints against YOU? You are the least arrogant person I know for fuck's sake! Is this guy a total lunatic? Is he pathological?
Bloody hell! How unfair! I just hope you don't end up going through the same kind of crap I went through at izmo... bah!
"what a gift the gifties gie us, to see ourselves as others see us..."
It sounds like classic office politics at its worst. Competitive, insecure people try to improve their situation and make themselves feel better at your expense. Consider yourself lucky. I have been fired over similar circumstances.
Have you considered also that people (other than your closest friends) perceptions of you do not have to match up with your own perceptions of yourself? In that case the complaints may be valid and you should be asking how can you not come across such and such a way. Your extreme reaction only implies to me that the complaint hits some kind of nerve. There may be some grain, some modicum of truth to the observations and experiences of your co-workers.
I know that the first reaction we have no matter how insane the criticism is to react defensively. But bottom line is "who cares?" Thank them sincerely and directly for there insights and advice as to how to acheive an optimum outcome. Then show that you are willing to consider if anything has validity. If you get angry or annoyed you can never win! Since this is office politics in my opinion taking this tact is far more diplomatic and will go far towards making peace and getting everyone more in your favor.
I also must ask why does anyones opinion of you if you know that it is untrue cause so much anger in you? Why is your self-esteem and self-concept of yourself right now so dependant on external imput?
Regards, Asad
Hi, Asad, and thanks for your input. My anger has a few layers to it. If it were one thing or another, I probably wouldn't be so angry, but it's a series of several failures in this process that just caused a cascade of rage.
The observations themselves are indeed laughable, and I do believe them untrue, and to be inferred from an email?? Tone is the worst thing to assume from an email, and to arrive at a conclusion of arrogance from the citation my boss used was incomprehensible. But -- and here's the but -- doesn't my boss know this? Why was this even brought up to me? It seems to me that that should have been dismissed out of hand as provocative ranting, but it wasn't. Thus my manager and boss seek to put this back on me, forcing me to watch my words and walk on verbal eggshells.
But . . . if this manager can assume arrogance from the incredibly brief and completely jocular email mentioned to me, what good is my judgement going to be anyway?! My anger stems not from the litany of complaints lodged by some other manager who I never work directly with, who's trying to cover his own ass during a shortfall, but from my management's betrayl of their support for my judgement.
My boss and I have a serious conversation coming up and I am going to have to demand specifics on this. Because . . . like I said, I don't polish my own horn at the expense of others.
You also rightly point out that this has touched a nerve, but possibly not in the way you think it has. Or, more accurately, several raw nerves at once. My perceived betrayl of my management's support is about the worst of it. But the accusation of arrogance . . . yeah, there's something in that that stings deeply. I have been accused of it before, in the past, even once or twice by close friends. Not recently, though, not in like ten years or more. And I was either in college or just out of it and surely an insufferable post-adolescent English Major.
I had some sorting out to do, especially when I could see the trait in others and loathed it. What's the maxim about passionately railing against traits in others that we most fear in ourselves? Or something like that. What I said about walking that fine line between complete self-mortification and complete self-confidence is true, even back then. One of the things I learned back then, and must never forget, is that it's no one else's responsibility to build up my self-confidence. No one else can do it, anyway, and (here's the important part) I shouldn't do it at the expense of others. So your observation that I have external dependencies for my self-esteem isn't entirely accurate -- I have some, because we only have each other to "measure up" against, but rather than tear down those who've accomplished much, we should instead strive to emulate those traits we recognize as positive.
Words are important to me. Communication is important to me. Responsible, effective communication is important to me, especially in a professional setting. So, yes, another nerve was hit when I receive feedback that I've failed in this regard -- but without much substantiation other than a joke about "y'all." I have made some communication errors at work, though they have been more functional than personal, e.g. needing to contact my boss if something goes wrong with a particular process. I'm getting better with that.
But this kind of personality skewering and analysis based on professional communications? No place for it coming from a person I never communicate directly with. Again, if one of his employees with whom I do work regularly has a problem, especially this kind of personal problem, then . . . well, I suppose it's too much to hope that they would have called me on it directly, rather than use this as political leverage or just a fun way of flushing out four pages of complaints against our shop. You'll excuse me if that pisses me off too.
I agree - your manager showed poor judgement in the way he handled this - appearing much like a tower of jello. At least this gives you some insight into how he'll defend you and support you, and perhaps an idea of what makes him quiver in his boots.
The plaintiff may be intentionally calculating this drama as a way of increasing control over others -- you know, power tripping.
Hm...sorry to hear you've had to deal with this. I've been away from the blogs for a week+, so I'm just reading this and hopefully the problem has largely gone away.
I agree with Asadullah that this does sound like your basic office politics at it's worst.
Having known you for quite a while, I was actually rather surprised at "hearing" you angry. Don't think I've ever actually witnessed that before.
Not sure I have much I can offer of use, other than my sympathies.
As you probably remember, I ran into some similar politics problems at Shands. Not sure how much you can do about it, except to remain professional and not respond in kind. Your boss sounds like he's taking the first basic tactic of managing problems, which is to warn you while trying to calm the complaining party, probably hoping this will blow over and go away.
If it doesn't, I would be more concerned about your own boss's reactions than anyone else's. That he wasn't willing to vouch for you is troublesome, and unless there really is a problem with your communications, speaks poorly of his ability to maintain a solid team. It also worries me that he may not actually know you well enough to make a solid judgement. If he has to rely upon second hand accounts, even the best boss will have trouble making a good decision.
On the other hand, if he's just a fool, I'd cover my ass, and look for somewhere else to work. The worst problems I've witnessed along the way often seemed to be a combination of a problem occuring and a manager too incompetent to know what to do about it.
I was introduced to email at Shands and quickly learned two things: 1. All email I sent would probably be read by multiple parties. 2. All email I sent could be used in a court of law as evidence, and I'd better act accordingly, because medical cases often resulted in lawsuits. 3. Email tends to skew our actual intent. It communicates badly.
I've learned the hard way to try to do most of my communication either by phone or in person for anything important. There's just too many things that can be misconstrued in writing. Too many tones that can't be communicated along with the basic information, particularely if I'm working on a problem that I and a client are trying to solve.
Well, that's enough of my thoughts. Good luck, and be well.
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